I was in the back room earlier tonight goofing off on the computer when I heard what sounded like a student in some sort of vocal distress. Or a child being smothered by hot asphalt. Or some sort of youngish animal being mauled by a jackal.

Turns out it was only Avril Lavigne performing at the Billboard Music Awards.

The three minutes or so that I was subjected to before walking out to the living room and shutting the TV off showcased perhaps the most inaudible musical performance I've ever witnessed. This includes nursery school graduations, drunken renditions of the BU fight song, and my own mocking of a variety of current musical faves.

It was enough to make one wish that someone would fire up her CD so Avril could mouth along. I'd take one more faked live performance over the earwax-curdling display that actually aired. One can only imagine the suits at Fox recoiling in horror, trying to gin up a technical difficulty so they could end the nightmare.

Lavigne was up for a couple awards, but women not named Ashanti fared poorly. Not surprising considering Ashanti apparently appeared on every R&B, hip hop, pop, rock, metal, country, adult contemporary, new age, gospel, Latin, jazz, Dixieland, zydeco, a capella, electronica, house, club, thrash, acid, trip-hop, folk, and easy listening single released in the past year.

On top of it all, Cher got some sort of career artistic achievement award. Still not sure if it was for music or the sculpting done to her face.