My family is currently trying to sell our family home, the only real home I've had (I'm not counting the variety of apartments and dorm spaces I've been in, obviously). I'm kind of conflicted about this.

There's part of me that is resistant, if not heartbroken, about selling the house. As I've said, it's the only real home I've had. My family moved in in 1968, the year before I was born. The biggest move I've known with my family is when my brother and I swapped rooms with our sisters (we were too big for the bunk beds that were built into the room). Even though I do not go back on a very regular basis (not been to the house since before Thanksgiving), there's a good 20 years of solid residence that weigh heavily on my mind.

Part too is that it means I would no longer have a place to stay overnight in Manchester, though at this point there are very few people I'd stay overnight to see. But I still feel a connection to the town as well, given again the time I lived there and that it's where my parents and sister Cathy are at rest (in fact, the cemetary is about 100 yards from the house, a fact that is equal parts comforting and creepy).

Balancing this out is cold hard reality. I'm certainly in no position to move back and take over the house. My job requires that I live on campus. Even if I got a new job that did not require that, there's the issue of finances. The mortgage is high but not excessively so, but throw in all the utilities (especially water, thanks to new treatment plants in town that we're still paying for) and it gets really tough. God knows I don't have the credit rating to refinance and buy out my brother and sister, either.

And let's not forget the money that comes from the sale of the house. All of us can use the money for different things. Certainly, it would be a nice feeling to get all the student loan people off my back. Whatever's left would make a nice nugget for a new house, perhaps in Manchester, perhaps not (though I've been told by someone with some influence in the decision that moving back is likely).

I suppose I've come to an uneasy peace with selling. Not that we've got people banging down the doors. We have had a nice amount of traffic to see the house, but given the economy, and the number of houses up for sale in town (a number that climed dramatically as 2001 went on), we haven't gotten the quick sale we might have gotten a year or two ago. We aren't in a hurry, though, as my aunt continues to live there (that's her car in the second picture).

Perhaps I'm taking this too personally. My sister's family has been through three houses already, and she's only been married 12 years. Not as much time to build up an attachment, but it may also be that I'm too sentimental where the house is concerned. But I know I'm going to miss the nice yard, the tall pine trees that mark off the back, and the nights sitting out on the deck cooking dinner or just talking. But I also won't have to worry about the other stuff that comes with home ownership that I take for granted now. I don't have to shovel, or make repairs, or pay for someone to make them.

If I were really lucky, someone would buy the house, we'd have a serious contraction in the real estate market, and I could buy it back from them at a well-reduced price.

I should just get used to the thought that we're selling.