Brian Murphy is almost, almost, off the hook.

Murphy, for those of you not familiar with him, writes the "Weekend Water Cooler" for ESPN.com's Page 2. My beef with him goes beyond what most people's beef is with him, which is that he's a crappy writer, his "Water Cooler" conceit is lame, and that he uses this proto-hip hop white boy talk when he writes, which makes his prose both annoying and culturally insensitive on top of its general lack of quality.

My additional problems with Murphy are:

1. His self-hating of Irish Americans. Every mention he makes of being Irish-American, or of Irish-Americans, involves alcohol, violence, and alcohol-fueled violence. Now I'm not denying that the Irish have a fondness for the drink, or that there isn't an amount of pugilism in the Irish history. It's just that you can say the same thing about a number of cultures. God knows the Germans don't like to drink beer and act war-like.

2. His categorization of the Boston area as some sort of seething underbelly of gang violence. This theme runs through any number of his columns, for reasons I cannot comprehend. I can only assume that in his short tenure covering the NFL, he was traumatized by some of the more "colorful" denizens of Foxboro. He also fixated on an incident of Red Sox fans going batty during the playoffs a few years back. That's one incident in a CENTURY OF BASEBALL!

3. He once said that Boston was just like Cleveland, but with suburbs. I've been to Cleveland. Lowell compares positively by comparison.

4. He talked a lot of smack about the Pats. Not that he was alone, but he seemed to take it to a degree above the norm.

So in his column today, Murphy tries to play all nice, giving us "maximum props" (please see what I said about his use of pointless vernacular) and whatnot. But I doubt his sincerity (and his taste) given the following:

A. He offers up virtual St. Pauli Girls to his "Cooler-dwellers." Making damn sure I'll never become one. And what right-minded person of Irish persuasion isn't going to offer up Guinness, or at least Harp?

B. He continues to mewl on about how the Pats didn't belong in the game, never mind winning it. As we used to chant at Walter Brown: Score-Board!.

C. Tom Brady is Joe Montana without the talent. C'mon, he's a second year player forced into the starting role. Let's cut him some slack before we start tossing around talent-related comments. Unlike last year's Super Bowl winning QB, he's got a job locked up for next year.

D. The claim that the Pats are the least talented team to win the Super Bowl. One of those Giants teams has to qualify here. Or the LA Raiders team that upset the Redskins. Even the Ravens have to get some votes here, as their offense was even less impressive.

E. The "slate gray skies" are actually quite sunny today. As they were yesterday. Cold does not equal a lack of sun.

F. Anyone over the age of 17 who gets all hot and bothered about Britney Spears needs counseling. He might as well get one of those lifelike animatronic sex dolls whose name I can't remember (so sorry, no link).

In a completely unrelated note, I think if my dad were still around, he may not have been after the past six months of football. Notre Dame played like crap and went through an ugly coaching fiasco, and the Pats (his second least favorite football team ever, after BC) win the Super Bowl. I'd have enjoyed needling him about the latter, though I think he'd have heard quite enough from all of his friends.

(Quick example of what I mean: we went to the same Super Bowl party when the Pats were playing the Pack. Amid all the red, white, and blue there was one small table done up in green and gold. One guess who it was there for. My dad sat there the whole game. He was quite gracious in the win, inasmuch as he could be when he was really rooting against a team.)