Lentorama 2007: The Non-Canonized Catholic Person of the Day

Today's person is Tom Brady, a nice Catholic boy who not only has led the New England Patriots to three Super Bowls, but who, by the end of the year, will be the father of children by former girlfriend Bridget Moynihan and, if reports are to be believed, uber-rebound girl Gisele Bundchen.

Which leads to the question, who's next in line to sow the seeds of love and earn a Brady bump? I've got some ideas.

Britney Spears - she's an obvious choice, given her single status, celebrity, and apparent willingness to couple with anyone. But she's kind of the pace-setter, to use a horse racing analogy. She'll burn out early and not be around at the end. Oh, wait, I just described her career.

Anyway, there are some impediments to this happening, such as Britney's kit bag full of crazy, her Flowbee-on-crack hairsyle, and the public familiarity with her labia. Plus, does Tom really want to go in the footprints (so to speak) of K-Fed? Not the best idea for a guy who, based on past results, doesn't like to wear a raincoat. Odds of hitting her with a baby one more time: 500 to 1.

Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, Tara Reid, Hillary Duff - to continue with the horse racing analogy, this is the field. None of them really has a a better chance than the other, and none have a really great chance at that. Of course, if this were actually a horse race, I'd have included Ashlee Simpson.

The only way anyone in this group gets that knocked up feeling is if Tom hits them all at once. And do you doubt he could do that? Odds of hitting the reciever in stride: 250 to 1. Special odds of making step-quints: 80 to 1.

The entire female population of Lehi, Utah - Utah has the highest birth rate of any state in the US, and Lehi has the highest birth rate of any city in Utah. Seems like a pretty fecund place, just the location where Tom can plant his flag. Repeatedly. I have complete faith in Tom's superhuman loins; I just worry that the Roman faith will clash with the Mormon faith. Odds of some really Big Love: 837 to 1.

Rachael Ray - she's popular, has her own career, and with her recent deal to promote Dunkin' Donuts, she's got ever greater cachet for New Englanders. Tom could easily make a 30 minute meal of her, and she won't be yelling "Yum-O" due to their pre-coital repast. Only thing is, I'm not sure Tom is willing to get with someone who vaguely looks like a Muppet. Odds of bunning her oven: 50 to 1.

Mother Angelica - she's Catholic, unmarried (temporally), and clearly doesn't fool around. But she's also over 80 and clearly doesn't condone fooling around. That and she no longer wears an eye patch, which limits the pirate nun fantasies that Tom may have had in his head. Still, if he has faith... Odds of a Maculate Conception: 666 to 1.

A woman named Jennifer - Aniston, Hudson, that girl you know who works at the Starbucks. Could be any one of them. Tom could take care of business during a TV time out and get back in the huddle with time to spare and water bottles for his teammates. He's that good. Odds of zygoting: 40 to 1.

Reese Witherspoon - Reese may be a little on the nose for Tom, as she's an actress who is older than him. On the other hand, her career is more equal to his than Bridget's was, and Reese already has two kids. She probably wouldn't even notice another. Problem here is that Reese has been linked with Jake Gyllenhaal. I don't think the universe could withstand a confrontation between that much man-pretty. Think of humanity, Tom! Odds of making a sweet home in Alabama: 25 to 1. Odds if Jake is still in the picture: 2.4 quadrillion to 1.

Tom Brady - If you want perfection, you keep the job in-house. Sure, there are hurdles - Tom doesn't have the lady parts to make a baby, and even if he did he'd have to figure out a way to knock himself up - but does anyone doubt that Tom could do this if he put his mind to it? You can almost see Peyton Manning futiley trying this after Tom has self-sired a dozen strapping young sons. Odds of self-service Brady production: 1.00000004 to 1.