Now, what none of you have been waiting for: my American Idol handicapping!

Last night saw the first group of 8 semifinalists. The public votes two of the eight on to the finals. This year you can vote by text message as well as phone, meaning that the results, now more than ever, are going to be decided by those slack-ass 16 year olds in the Verizon Free-Up ads.

In any case, last night proved that the NFL may not be the only people out there in search of parity. Of the 8 performers, only two were quantifiably bad: Bettis and Meosha. None of us watching knew what the hell Bettis was singing. The judges didn't know what he was singing. It's a good bet that he didn't know, either. As for Meosha, all you have to know is that (a) she's trying to look like Ashanti, (b) she was wearing what appeared to be one of Alicia Keys' hats, and (c) her name is close enough to that of Brandi Norwood's best-known TV character that UPN lawyers have to be giving it a second look. I can't remember what she sang, either, but it wasn't good.

Of the other six, I lump them into two groups: the three who were least average, and the three who were more average.

LESS AVERAGE:

* Charles sang something by Stevie Wonder (it is a show rule, I think, that all men have to sing a Stevie Wonder song before they get eliminated). The judges loved him, I wasn't so sure. He was very quiet.

* Kimberly sang "I'm the Only One" by Melissa Ethridge. She did OK. Her voice is deeper than average for a woman, which helped, but she wasn't growly enough. Too much pop. She's a camera hog, too, as she did everything she could to get on air after going first. She's also from Roger Clemens' hometown, but I won't hold that against her.

* Trenyce sang "Love Sneakin' Up On You". Simon hates the song (I don't care for it, either), but she sang pretty well. Probably the best of the night, but that's not saying much. That we now have an American Idol contestant going by one name is sad but not unexpected.

MORE AVERAGE

* J.D. He's related to the Presidents Adams, and perhaps should consider politics rather than singing. He's my R.J. Helton dark horse for making the finals, as he's very non-threatening, both in looks and vocal style. I can see thirteen year old girls voting for him in droves. I have no idea what he sang, as his performance was an auditory analog for Chinese food.

* Julia sang "Son of a Preacher Man" and did OK with it, trying to be alluring but only succeeding in showing off that she has massive gums. I at first was going to lump her into the "big teeth" pool with Ben Affleck, but it really was more gums than anything else. She's kind of a cross between Britney and Carmela Soprano in looks, and her family dresses the part, too (her mom was wearing, hand to God, a purple velour track suit).

* Patrick sang "Unbreak My Heart," and truth be told may have sung it higher than Toni Braxton did. If you just heard the vocals, you would be unsure of the singer's gender. I suppose that doesn't really matter. In any case, Simon spent some time ragging on his suit (we thought it was OK), which led to Patrick's father coming from the ready room to defend his son.

(As the last two notes suggest, family is now back in the ready room with the contestants. This is not a good thing.)

Anyway, if I got to choose I'd go with Trenyce and flip a coin with Charles and Kimberly. Any of the six could go through and it wouldn't make much difference (to the extent that any of this makes a difference).